Christina Anne Parker

       When I found out about this, I knew it couldn’t be true. I never knew I was adopted. I’m always wondering, “Why didn’t they tell me when I was younger?” I’m extremely mad that they didn’t tell me anything.

 

            My name is Carrie and my adopted parent’s names are David and Michelle. My parents didn’t tell me that I’ve been adopted until now because my birth parents are drug addicts and alcoholics. My parents didn’t say a single word to me about this because they were trying to protect me from being a drug addict and alcoholic.

 

          I’ve always wondered why I’ve been so different from the rest of my family. They never had pictures of me growing up. I’ve always hated the way my family life is going. I started acting out in school, I’m using drugs and alcohol to escape from the pain that I’m going through and what’s really going on in my life.

 

         My childhood has always been crazy, I’ve never put too much thought into why my family has been treating me differently until my thirteenth birthday. My adopted parents sat me down and told me that I’m adopted; I’m shocked to find out that I’m adopted. My adopted parents told me that my birth parents had no choice but to give me up because they couldn’t take care of me and because of their violent behavior with each other, drug and alcohol use.

 

        My life is getting out of control. My adopted parents don’t know what to do with me anymore. I felt so numb that I didn’t want to be in this world anymore. I wanted to be accepted and wanted to feel loved by my family. I don’t know if I can take living like this anymore.

 

     I wish my family can just leave me alone so that I can die in peace. I believe that the world can live without me. I’m not a good person, I know I’m not, but my family keeps telling me that I am a good person, but I don’t believe them. My family doesn’t care about me; all they care about is themselves.

 

         I wanted a better life than what I have now.  I want to feel loved so bad that I’ll do anything to get it. I’ve been hanging out with the wrong crowd; I’ve been prostituting myself for money. I’ve gotten to a point where I’m living on the streets.

 

       My family is under a lot of stress because of my addiction. I can’t really say that I blame them because of how they treated me. My family is so worried about the way I turned out.  My mom found me at a bus stop. She let me in her car and drove me to the house that I grew up in, after my parents adopted me.

                                                                                                                                                             

      When I went into the house, I wasn’t happy with what I saw. My family was there because they want to do an intervention and cure my addiction. I listen to what they had to say, and I agreed to go to rehab.

 

      When I get to rehab, I knew it was going to be hell. All I wanted to do is escape from what I’m feeling. I want to leave this place, I feel so alone. I’m might go crazy if I stay in the hell hole I call rehab.

                                      

            After two weeks in this place, I left to go home. Rehab wasn’t for me. I rather be in jail or be left for dead somewhere in my home town. I don’t want my family to worry about me anymore.

                                              

        I don’t know what to do. I got caught up in the world of prostituting myself for money so that I can get drugs and alcohol. I really don’t have a reason or the urge to live anymore. No one in the world loves me, until I met a man – then everything in my world changed.              

 

            I met a man by the name of Justin. He’s everything that I ever wanted in a man. Justin is into the same things as me, he doesn’t judge me, and he loves me for me. My family doesn’t really like him that much.  All my family cares about is that he’s the biggest loser that I’ve ever dated, and they want me to get him out of my life for good.

 

            I don’t listen to them. Justin is the only person that keeps me going. My heart is for Justin and I don’t care what anyone has to say. My family doesn’t understand what

                                                                                                                                 

I’ve been through ever since the day they brought me home after they adopted me; they don’t know what it’s like to be in my shoes every single day.  

 

            I just hope that my family just backs off and lets me live my life in peace with the love of my life. My family thinks that Justin is using me for drugs. I don’t think my boyfriend is using me for anything. Justin is my whole world, and nobody is going to come between us, Justin is part of my future.

 

            My family was setting up for another intervention, so that they can get me away from my boyfriend. They had a feeling that their plan wasn’t going to work, but they were going to give it a shot. I really don’t want to give up my life style. I rather die in rehab than to lose Justin forever.

 

            By the time the intervention came, I wasn’t happy about it. I’m so mad that I’m in such a rage over this intervention. I was not going back to rehab, I’m not ready to go back to rehab right now. My family said to me, “It’s either jail or rehab.” My family calls 911 because I’m throwing a fit over not going to rehab. When the police get to the intervention, they can see that I’m in a drug and alcohol rage of anger, so I choose to go to jail instead of rehab.

 

          When I got thrown into jail, it was pure hell. All the lesbian and bisexual imamates were hitting on me. My withdrawals are intense. My body is hurting bad. All I want to do is get my drugs, alcohol, and get to the love of my life.

 

          After a few weeks in jail, I was released.  I’m happy that I’m going back to my life style and coming back home to my boyfriend. When I got back home, I found Justin sleeping with another woman. I kicked him out of my place and told him to never call me or see me ever again. I’m heartbroken over this, I spent the next few weeks going on a drug binge and I’m feeling greater than ever. 

 

          I’m at the lowest point in my life, I can’t take it anymore. Everything is falling apart, I can’t handle it. I recently became homeless; I really don’t know what to do anymore. My life is just sprawling out of control. Nobody knows what it’s like to just exist, not to live. All I want is to feel loved. I can’t live like this anymore.  All I want is to not feel the pain anymore.

 

           All my family and friends think that I need more help than I realized. When I became homeless, it devastated my friends and family who I’ve felt like they’ve never loved me my entire life. Why do they care anyways, it’s not like I’m their flesh and blood? Why don’t they just accept that I just want to be left alone and just let me live the way I want to live for once.

 

        It’s not like I’m hurting anyone, but everyone in my life keeps telling me that I’m hurting them in some way or another. I rather die than go back to rehab, but they think that’s an easy way out. I tried to get help, but nothing I do is right in their eyes. My family tried to do an intervention on me once again, but I was determined that I didn’t want to go back to rehab again. I’m just so wrapped up in my drug abuse and alcohol addiction that I have no desire to live anymore. I really don’t care what they have to say, I really want them to leave alone in my disease.

 

         I had a come to Jesus moment in a dream. In my dream, I meet my birth parents, and they were telling me to stop using drugs and alcohol. They also were telling me I’m either going to spend the rest of my life in and out of jail or I’m going to be buried six feet under if I don’t get together today. I woke up and I told myself that I really need help with my addiction even if I feel like I don’t need help with this problem that I’m finally going to face.

 

         I realized that I just need to face my problems instead of self-medicating. I went to a rehab center on my own to get help. I went through detox; it was the worse pain that I’ve ever felt. When I first went into rehab, I didn’t really want to talk with the group, I was

                                                        

really into my thoughts. I didn’t know how to express myself, it was hard for me because I always keep things feeling bottled up inside. The staff in the rehab center gave me a journal to write in so that I can express myself better, to share my feelings in group. I’m finally starting to open up in group after a few weeks of being in rehab; I never thought I would express myself in front of everybody in group after a few weeks.

 

        I’m starting to feel happy again. I never thought I would admit to myself that I was hanging around the wrong people and hurting the people around me. Being homeless for a few months has made me realize that I must change my life around. I’m really concerned about my sobriety, I’m so scared that I’m going to relapse and go back to abusing drugs and go alcohol again. Staying in my sobriety comes first before anything else in my life.

 

        I never would have thought I would get this far in my sobriety; it’s like walking on could nine. It’s been a year since I abused drugs and liquor. I got everyone in my life’s trust back. I got my own place and I’m doing well until I met this guy named Adam who’s a drug abuser.

 

         He charmed his way into my life and chased after me endlessly. Adam desperately wanted to be with me. When I first met Adam, I didn’t know that he’s abusing drugs. As I’m spending more time with him, it’s obvious that he’s abusing drugs. I can’t be around someone who’s abusing drugs. I’m scared that I’m going to relapse if I hang around Adam even more.

      

  I went back to using drugs again; I never thought I would relapse. I’ve been doing so well until Adam helped me get back into drugs again.  I should have listened to everybody who’s been telling me to stay away from him. I thought I could change him, but I got so vulnerable that I couldn’t say no to him.  This is the biggest mistake that I’ve ever made, but at this point I don’t care anymore.

 

          Adam has been selling drugs to feed our habit. I’ve have been abusing drugs for a few months. I’ve also been drinking for a few weeks. My drug use and alcohol use has been worse than ever. I feel so helpless. I don’t even care anymore if I live or die at this point. I feel so useless; no one understands my life.

       

        Everyone in my life can tell that I fell off the wagon. They blame Adam for getting me to relapse. They don’t understand why I want to be with Adam in the first place. My family and friends don’t understand why I choose my addiction over being clean. I relapsed because I’m still hurting, and I can’t tell anyone how I feel about it.

      

      I’ve been self-medicating and running away from my problems for way to long. I really want to put myself out of my misery, even though I’m killing myself slowly. It’s been a huge power struggle to either get help or kill myself with drugs and alcohol. Everybody in my life is concerned that I’m going to either end up in jail or I die if I keep this up.

       

      It’s been hard to get drugs and alcohol lately. I’ve been getting really bad withdrawals and my body is really craving the poison I feed myself. Adam is doing his best to get me the drugs and alcohol. No matter how fast he gets me the drugs and alcohol, it’s just not enough. It’s been very hard to get enough money to satisfy my addiction.

 

      Adam’s is pimping me off to prostitute myself to feed our habit. We need the money desperately to get our next high. We are on the verge to lose the apartment. My family and friends is constantly trying to tell me to leave Adam and to get help. They don’t understand that I love Adam and he’s the only person who really gets me.

 

          My friends and family literally forced me to go to rehab. I don’t want to feel the withdrawals again. My mind is in a drug and alcohol haze. The detox is worse than the last time I went through it. I really don’t want to go through this pain again, it hurts way too much. After going through detox again, I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar and depression. 

 

      The diagnosis is wrong, I’m not bipolar and depressed. All I want to do is go back to Adam and go back to what I’m good at, getting high and black out drunk. After 30 days of treatment, I go back to Adam, who everyone in my life hates and I go back to doing what I’ve been doing before, getting high and getting black out drunk. I caught Adam with another woman. I can’t believe that I would be cheated on again by a man, it’s like I can’t trust men ever again. I had no choice but to leave him at this point with nowhere to go.

 

         For the first time in a long time, I went to my family to help me get back on my feet. They were very surprised to see that I left Adam. Everybody can see hope for me since Adam and I broke up. They don’t understand that I’m hurting inside, Adam is the love of my life, and I just want to kill myself to stop the pain. 

 

       I went to my room that my parents left for me. I closed the door in my room, took a bunch of pills and lay on my bed as if I’m going to sleep. A couple of hours later my parents came into my room to check on me, they noticed pill bottles laying right next to me and called 911. The ambulance came within a few minutes, rushed me to the hospital and pumped my stomach.

 

       I woke up in a hospital room confused; I’m wondering why I’m still alive. When my parents came into the hospital room, they were wondering why I would attempt suicide. I didn’t want to explain to them that Adam is the reason why I wanted to kill myself. All I want to do is escape this pain and hurt that I’m feeling, and I felt like suicide was the only option.  

 

       When my parents found out that I have bipolar and depression, they were very shocked but very happy to find out what’s been causing all of this underline meaning that’s been happening to me. My parents now understand why I’ve been self-medicating for years. The doctors told my parents to not press me on the subject, but they didn’t care, they constantly asking me why I wanted to commit suicide.

 

       My family kept very close eye on me since the suicide attempt; it’s like their acting like police officers on suicide watch. It’s like I’m five years old and no one can trust me, I’m in prison inside my parents own home. I need an escape. I go back to what I do best, getting high and drunk.

 

     At first, I get high and dunk to escape from my family. Once my family caught on, they were not happy. My family doesn’t understand what I’m going through every single day, day in and day out. The last thing they want to do is to send me to rehab again. Everyone in my family gathered together and sent me to rehab for the third and hopefully the last time.

 

     Once I got into rehab again, I go through detox again. I don’t know why I keep putting myself through these withdraws, the pain gets worse and worse every time I go into rehab. After I get done with the detox, I realize that I need to stop using for good so that I don’t have to go through the pain of the detox ever again. At this point I need to deal with my feelings instead of self-medicating myself.

 

      A few weeks after I went into rehab, I found out that I’m pregnant and I’m only fifteen years old. I’m shocked that I’m pregnant. I really wanted to kill Adam for getting me pregnant. I’m not ready to be a mother, or at least not yet anyways. I’m not sure if I really want to ever be a mother.  I don’t know if I should get an abortion or keep the baby. If I keep my baby, being a mother will change me. If I get an abortion I might go back to my old ways of living before I got pregnant.    

                                            

       I’m undecided at this point of what to do; to either raise my child on my own as a single mother or to give my child up for adoption. As the months go by, I’m always going back and forth about adoption or motherhood. My family and friends tell me to give the baby up for adoption, a part of me wants to keep my child but another part of me is telling me to give up my child so that my child can have a better life.

 

       Once it got closer to giving birth, I found out that I’m having twins. I decided to give my children up for adoption. I give birth to my twins, a boy and a girl. When I looked at their faces, I knew that I’m doing the right thing by giving them up for adoption. I really want them in a two-parent home instead of a single parent home

                 

        When the adopted parents that I chose for my son and daughter came into the room, they were happy that I gave this precious gift of life them. I went with my heart and I signed the papers to them up for adoption. It’s very hard for me to let my babies go, I feel like I’m abandoning them, but at the same time I feel like I’m doing the right thing by letting my son and daughter go to their adopted parents.

 

        As I’m giving birth to my son and daughter on my sixteenth birthday, I’m surprised that my son and daughter might have the same birthday as me. The doctors told me that they prefer me to have a C-section rather than giving natural birth to my son and daughter. The adopted parents and I decided together that I’m going to have a C-section.

 

         As I was going into surgery, I didn’t want anyone to see what was going on. The adopted parents were disappointed that one of them couldn’t go in with me to see their son and daughter that their adopting. The adopted parents don’t know how scared I am that I might keep my children instead of giving them a better life.

 

       While the C-section is going on, I’m going back and forth about giving my son and daughter up for adoption or raise them as a single mother. When the doctors took my son and daughter out of my body, and I saw my kids for the first time, I knew right then and there that I needed to give them a better life, no matter how hard it is for me to give them up. A few hours after I got out of surgery, the adopted parents came into my room and asked me how I’m doing. I told the adopted parents that my stomach hurts but I’m doing well over all.

 

      When the doctors brought in my son and daughter, I was overwhelmed with happiness that I made beautiful children and sadness that I’m giving my children away. This was the hardest decision of my whole entire life. Even though that it’s going to be hard for me to say good bye to my babies, I know it in my heart that it’s the best thing that I’m doing for my children.

 

         A few days after I signed the paper work and give my son and daughter up for adoption, I’m starting to feel guilty about not raising my babies on my own as a single

parent. I’m so afraid that my son and daughter will think that I’ve abandoned them. I wrote an email to my babies adopted parents explained to them everything that I’ve been feeling and sent it. A couple of hours later, I get an email back from them telling me that they will tell my babies that they are adopted when they are old enough to understand. I feel a lot better knowing that my children are going to be told by their adopted parents.

 

        Adam found out that I was pregnant and gave our children up for adoption, he’s really ferrous with me. Adam surprised me by coming over to the rehab center; where I was staying at and started yelling at me about giving up our children for adoption. I lied to him, telling him that I don’t know who the father of our son and daughter is. Come to my surprise, Adam believed me and went on his way back to what he does best, selling drugs and pimping out women for money.

 

      After Adam left the building, I moved on with my life forgetting about him all together, focusing on myself and sobriety. I really need to get my life together so that I can be there for my children when they get old enough to want to find me, I really want them to be proud of me for being sober. This is going to be the longest and hardest road that I’m ever going to face but it will be worth it for my children. I really need to set an example for my children; I need to let them know that I can overcome my problems without turning to drugs and alcohol.

 

      A year in a half after I went into rehab, I’m feeling good about myself. This is the longest that I’ve been sober. Having my children has changed me for the better even though I gave up them for adoption. I got myself a job for the first time and another apartment. Even though I’m getting myself on the right track, I’m still unhappy. I still have unresolved issues over everything that I still have to face. Even though I’m seeing a therapist to help me with the underline issues that I have, it’s just not enough for me.

 

       Months later, I go to the gym with a friend of mine, for the first time. I see this cute guy. My friend noticed that I’ve been looking at him and was trying to encourage me to talk to him, but I just couldn’t talk to him. I became shy, which never happened to me before. My friend went up to him and started talking to him for me. I wanted to run and hide, but I just stood there frozen.

                        

       My friend comes back with the cute guy, and he introduced himself to me, his name is Taylor. I feel like Taylor is different than all the other men that I’ve met in my past. He’s a body builder, he’s not into drugs and alcohol like the men that I dated in my past. He’s someone that I can seriously see myself with in the future, I feel like I’ve known him all my life.

 

        As the months went by, I’ve been going to the gym every day just to see Taylor, taking it slow and starting out as friends. I’m really hoping that he’ll ask me out very soon. Once I got to have feelings for Taylor, he drops a bombshell on me. I found out that he’s married and has children; I’m heartbroken, like someone stabbed me in the heart repeatedly. I really don’t know what to do anymore; I’m craving the drugs and alcohol again to escape the pain from everything.

 

        I relapsed again after over two years of sobriety but this time my drug and alcohol use are worse than ever. I never thought I would use drugs and alcohol again, especially

over a man that I really like. As my drug and alcohol use went for the worst, my friends and family are really concerned about me. It’s like no one understands my pain that I need to escape every day. I just want everyone to leave me alone in my disease.

 

       My family and friends don’t get that I don’t want their help anymore. They can’t take the hint that I don’t need them anymore; I’ll push them away from my life until they get the hint. Pushing them away made them even more irritating than the last time they wanted me into a rehab facility. It’s like they don’t care that I just want to be left alone for once in my life. Everybody needs to come to terms that they lost me forever. It’s like they can’t see what I’m doing to get them out of my life. 

 

     After a few days of everyone getting on my back, I just snapped. I’m yelling and screaming at them to leave me alone and I want nothing to do with them anymore. They were really shocked, they never seen me this upset before. As I’m turning out to leave everyone grabbed me and try to force me to stay. I really don’t want to go back to rehab again for the fourth time. I don’t want to feel the detox all over again. Nobody cares about my feelings and about what I think.

 

        I went to rehab against my will again; I really don’t want to be here again. I’m just done with my sobriety, I’m just not ready to be sober again. Once the rehab facility figured out that I’m not ready to get sober, they discharged me within a few hours of being there. It’s good to be out of somewhere that I really don’t need to be in at this moment. When my family and friends found out that I’m out of rehab, they were furious with the rehab facility employees. The employees from the rehab facility had to explain to them that they can’t force me to be there when I’m not ready to be sober.

 

         My friends and family finally got the message that they just need to leave me alone and let to find my own way back to sobriety. In my mind, I’m not hurting anybody; all I ever wanted is to be left alone in my addiction. Once everyone left me alone, I did everything to stay in my addiction. I cut off all communication with my family and friends; I’m prostituting myself to feed my addiction. Self-medicating is the only way I know how to make it in this world and nobody understands my suppressed feelings.

 

       A few weeks later, my world got turned upside down. I found myself in jail, charged with possession of drugs, public intoxication and alone for the first time, in a long time. I never thought I would be in jail again, or at least not how I got myself in jail. I spent the next three years in prison, for the possession of drugs; all I could think about is getting my hands-on drugs and alcohol as soon as I get out of prison. When I finally got released from prison, all I wanted to do is to get money to buy drugs and alcohol.

   

     The first thing I’m doing is have sex with my favorite customer. With the money so that I can get my next high and drunk. My addiction became more intense than ever after I got out of prison. My body is shutting down slowly, it’s like I’m already dead but yet I’m still alive. I finally realized that I needed help but at the same time I didn’t want to have help. At this point in my life, I really don’t care if I live or die.

  

    A few days later, someone found me in an alley, passed out due to drugs and alcohol poisoning. When I woke up a few hours later, I’m in the hospital wondering where I am. It’s like I’m waking up in a nightmare that I’m never getting out of. No one understands this hell that I’m going through every single day. I need to get out of this hospital so that I can go back to the streets and do what I do best.

 

     Moments later, I find out that the doctor’s called my family and my family told them to keep me in the hospital until my family came to the hospital to visit me. I refuse to see my family, I don’t want to see them, at least not yet. After a while of me yelling and screaming at the doctors and nurses, they finally discharged me out of the hospital. My family is mad and frustrated that I don’t want to see them. They’re in shock that I don’t want to see them, after all I put them through, after I almost died of a drug over dose and alcohol poisoning.    

 

       The doctors told my family that my body is shutting down slowly and if I don’t go to intense rehab, I’ll die very soon. My family contacted me and wanted me to do a documentary about addiction. I agreed to do the documentary, I’m just hoping that it’s not a documentary turned into another intervention. As the documentary about my addiction is being filmed; the film crew, my family, and friends are very shocked that I’m this out of control with my addiction.

 

     When my father took me to what I thought was my last and final interview for the documentary, I come to find out that all my family and friends where there for me to have an intervention. I’m clearly very upset by the fact that my family and friends tricked me into doing a TV show that I can’t get out of now. I storm off out of the room so that I can go home and never see my friends and family again. Everybody is chasing after me telling me to listen to them; I don’t care anymore about what they have to say about my addiction.

 

      When my family and friends finally realized that I’m not going to listen to them, they just gave up. It took them long enough to realize that I’m never going to change my ways. I just need to realize that I want them out of my life unless I decide that I want help from them. My family and friends don’t know how deep I am in this addiction.

 

      I’m at the lowest in my addiction that I’ve ever been throughout my whole addiction. It’s hard being homeless and prostituting myself to feed my addiction. It’s like no one in this dark, lonely world that I’m in loves or cares about me, at least that’s what I thought.

 

       I get a new client for the first time in a while, named Derrick. I get into the hotel room where he’s staying at, when I see him for the first time, he took my breath away. Derrick is different than all of my other clients; I’ve never met anyone like him. Derrick is a successful business man, he wanted to try a prostitute for the first time and he heard by my other clients that I’m the best in the town. He mainly wanted to see what my other clients were talking about, and he wanted to have the best sex ever.

 

     Derrick realized right when I walked into the room that he wants to be with me. Derrick feels like he and I have a connection.  I didn’t connect the dots that he wants to be with me. Derrick doesn’t even realize how messed up I am.  I’ve been so wrapped up into my addiction that I honestly didn’t care about my self-worth.

 

    Once Derrick realized that the money that he’s been giving me has been going towards my addiction, he wants to do everything in his power to save me. Derrick opens his home for me to have a place to stay until I get clean and get back on my feet again. I didn’t want to take his offer. Derrick is trying to get me to listen to him, he wants me to get clean, and he finally told me that he wants to be with me. I didn’t want to hear it; all I want to do is get some money for my addiction.

 

         I’m screaming and yelling at Derrick to give me my money. He refused to give me my money that I earned for having sex with him. Derrick’s my best customer so I threatened him to go to my other customers if he didn’t give me my money. Once he realized that I’m not going to give up my addiction for no one not even for him, he had no choice but to give me the money, let me go, so that I can get my drugs and alcohol. 

 

         Derrick really wants to find a way into my heart so that I can get the help that I need to get clean. He starts charming his way into my heart, its start to work at first. Once I realized that Derrick is charming his way into my heart to get me clean, I start pushing him way. He’s heartbroken that I’m choosing my addiction over getting clean and being with him. He doesn’t realize that I’m not hurting him, I’m giving him a chance to find someone else to have a future with instead of someone who has a deep addiction like me. Derrick doesn’t realize that I’m pushing him away, just so that he can stop having romantic feelings for me. It’s obvious that I want to take advantage of him, have sex with him and take his money to feed my addiction.

 

         Derrick doesn’t want to give up on me, he’s so desperate to be with me that I don’t even see it. He’s determined to save me that I’m too stubborn to let him save me. Derrick doesn’t realize that I’m a tortured soul, I just want to be in my addiction without anyone wanting to have me go to treatment or saving me from myself. Derrick doesn’t even know how far gone into my addiction I am. I’m tired of being pressured into getting help, it’s no use anymore.  I got all of my friends and family off my back about going to treatment, now I really need to get Derrick off my back about going into treatment. He just won’t give up on me, I need to figure out a way to get him out of my life.

 

         After weeks of trying to win me over, Derrick’s really frustrated with me. Derrick finally had enough, he shakes me sad asked me if I ever wanted to get married and have children one day. Suddenly, I started thinking about my son and daughter. I started crying, realizing that I need to start living for my children. I started telling Derrick that I had to give up my children for adoption and that I feel guilty that I couldn’t take care of them myself. Derrick knows that there’s another reason that I’m still using besides the guilt of not being able to raise my children on my own. He’s trying to get me to tell him everything, but I refuse to tell him anything else. I’m just not ready to tell anybody what started my using drugs and alcohol.

 

      After persuading me to tell him the main reason why I’m using, I started telling him that I’m adopted, and my adopted parents never told me until I was an adult. Derrick is very stunned by what I’m saying to him. He asked me if I ever wanted to contact my birth parents. I never thought about contacting my birth parents, I don’t know if I want to talk to my birth parents or even meet my birth parents. Derrick can tell that I’m hesitant about talking and meeting my birth parents. My birth parents are complete strangers to me, why should I meet them now after all this time. It’s like Derrick doesn’t understand how much pain everybody has caused me along the way.

 

           It’s like no one is ever going to make me smile anymore, but Derrick is willing to make me smile in any way he could. It’s like Derrick is telling me that he will do anything for me to get clean and have a life without using drugs and alcohol. I feel like the world hasn’t been kind to me, Derrick doesn’t understand what life has been like for me. Derrick is telling me that he’s trying to understand everything that’s going on with me, but I need to let him in. I not going to let Derrick in my world, all I want to do is take his money and start using drugs and alcohol.

 

        I came to the conclusion that Derrick is in love with me; or at least Derrick thinks he’s in love with me, I personally think it’s just lust. I need to make it clear to him that I don’t want to be with him, I just want to have sex with him for money so that I can get high and drunk, but I just don’t know how to tell him. As Derrick trying to get closer to me, I’m getting really irritated with him. I’m getting really upset with Derrick, I’m about ready to explode. I break it to Derrick gently that I don’t want to be with him, but it’s like talking to a brick wall. Not getting through to Derrick, I finally snapped and started yelling at him. After I finished yelling at Derrick, I felt relief, but I felt bad at the same time that I snapped at him like I did.

 

       Derrick sat there in a state of shock, like he didn’t want to hear what I had to say. I didn’t want to hurt Derrick, but I felt like I had no choice but to hurt him. Derrick never got that I want to live my life the way I want to live it and if he can’t deal with it, then it’s his choice if he wants to stick around or move on with his life. Come to my surprise, Derrick wants to stick around. I’ve decided that I’m just going to move on with my life, if Derrick likes it or not, I’m going to push him away and get him out of my life for good.

 

          After getting away from Derrick for good, I go back to what I do best, prostitute myself for money so that I can get high and drunk. I felt like there’s something missing in my life, but I just couldn’t put my finger on it. It’s like all I’m doing is existing just to get the next high and the next alcoholic drink. I don’t want to live in this existence anymore, I don’t want to end up in jail or six feet under but at this point in my life, I really don’t care anymore if I live or die.

 

          After living the way I’ve been living for the past few months, it’s about time that I need some serious help. I checked myself into a rehab facility again, it’s really hard to admit to myself for so many years that I have a problem. I go through detox again; these withdraws hurt worse than the last time I did this. I don’t think I can take another day of this, but I’m going to stay in the rehab facility anyways. As much as I want to leave to go prostituting myself for money just so that I can get my next high or alcoholic drink, it’s like I’m compelled to stay and get better for my children that I gave up for adoption.

 

         When I started going to group meetings, I didn’t open at all, it was too painful for me to talk about my past. Everybody in the group meetings thought I’m being very cold and stand offish, like I don’t care about overcoming my addiction to drugs and alcohol. It’s not that I don’t care about overcoming my addiction once and for all, it’s just they don’t get how hard it is for me to open up and talk about my very painful past when I’m sober. I finally start to open up about my past to everybody in group, they finally realize why I couldn’t talk about my past right away. Everybody felt bad for me and apologized to me for thinking that I was a snob.

 

          Months after I went into rehab, I run into Derrick. I’m really surprised that I get to see and talk to him after months of not speaking or seeing him. Derrick noticed that I’m drug and alcohol free, he looks very happy and proud of me for finally took the steps to get clean. Derrick looks really relieved that I decided to go get help. Once Derrick and I started talking to each other, I can tell that he still wants to be with me after all this time away from each other, it’s like we never spent time apart from each other. After a long conversation with Derrick, I wondered if he even missed me at all. Derrick gives me a hug, tells me that he’s missed me, let’s go of me, smiles at me and starts walking away from me. All I could do is stand there in shock, I thought he hated me for the way we left things between each other.

 

        After the shock wore off, I started to chase after Derrick. When I caught up to Derrick, I asked him even though I’m out of breath if he really did miss me. Derrick stops, turns around, and looks at me for a few seconds and tells me that he really does miss me. I’m really surprised that Derrick has missed me, a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. I don’t know what it is, but I feel like there’s a connection between me and Derrick. It’s like something came over me and I wanted to be with Derrick. I finally got enough courage to ask Derrick if he’s single. Derrick tells me that he’s been waiting to be with me since the day he first met me. I didn’t know what to say, I’m really surprised that Derrick has been waiting for me for this long.

 

        Derrick and I have been hanging out for the past few months. I’ve never been this happy before in my entire life, I believe that I found the man of my dreams. It’s like god brought Derrick back into my life for a reason. Derrick finally had the courage to ask me out after months of hanging out, he was very surprised that I told him yes, I would love to go out with him. When Derrick and I went on our first date, I’ve never been so surprised like this before, I couldn’t believe that he would pull this off. Derrick took me to the most expensive restaurant in town for dinner, it was the most amazing thing that I’ve ever been to. This restaurant that Derrick took me to is really magical. After dinner, Derrick and I went to a movie of my choice, this is the sweetest thing that anyone has ever done for me, I’ve never been so happy like this before in my life. Derrick really swept me off my feet, I never felt like this about a man before.

 

        After a few months of dating, Derrick surprised me by proposing to me. I can’t believe that Derrick thinks that I’m the one after what I put him through before we started dating. I don’t know what to say, I’m really shocked by Derrick’s proposal. After a couple of minutes standing there in shock, I finally said yes to Derrick. Derrick looked at me with disbelief on what I just said to him.  Derrick told me that I made him the happiest man alive and hugged me.

 

         As Derrick and I plan for our wedding, I don’t even know if my family and friends want to show up to my wedding, I haven’t seen or spoken to my family and friends in years. Derrick and I sent out our wedding invitations and I’m hoping that my friends and family will RSVP to my wedding so that I can finally start over with them. My friends and family called to let Derrick and I know that their coming, I’ve never thought that they would want to come to the wedding after what I put them through over the years. I hope that I can make amends with my family and friends so that I can have them back into my life again. Derrick can see that I’m nervous about seeing my family and friends again for the first time in years. Derrick has no idea how much I want my family and friends to see how well I’m doing.

 

         As the wedding gets closer, the more nervous I am to see my family and friends. It’s like my friends and family have waited all of this time for me to get sober and I’m not sure if they are going to forgive me for what I did to them. Derrick thinks it’s very important for me to see my family and friends again to mainly to forgive myself for what I put them through. Derrick can tell that my heart is hurting, but I can see in his eyes that he’s worried that I’m going to start using again. Derrick doesn’t need to worry about me relapsing, but I do see where his concerns are since I have relapsed in the past. Derrick needs to know that I want to turn my life around, get married to him and start a family with him.

 

         It’s the day of the wedding, I’m really excited that this big day is finally here. My nerves are going crazy, I’m getting married to the love of my life and this is the first time I’m going to see my family and friends in years. As I’m getting ready for my wedding, my family and friends come into the room. My family and friends got very emotional, they never seen me this vibrant and happy in a long time. It’s like I’ve never been out of my family and friends lives for as long as I have.

 

        As it gets closer for me to marry the love of my life, I’m excited but nervous at the same time. I never thought I would stop using, get married and possibly start trying to have a family with Derrick. I’m walking to the church where everybody is waiting for me to walk down the aisle to get married to Derrick. I’m scared out of my mind, I’m not sure if I’m cut out for the married life. It’s like a part of me wants to get married to Derrick but the other part of me doesn’t want to marry him.

 

         As I walk down the aisle, with everybody staring at me, I can’t believe that I’m going through with this. My wedding is like a fairytale, I’ve never seen a wedding this beautiful before. As I get closer to Derrick, he smiles at me and looks at me like I’m the most beautiful woman that he’s ever seen. It finally hit me that I’m going to be Derrick’s wife, I’m scared that I’m going to screw up this marriage, relapse again, and he’ll divorce me all because I started using again.

 

        After saying our vows and I do’s, Derrick and I are finally married. I never thought I would be here, sober and married. It’s like I’m in a dream, I’m married to a great man will do anything for me. I could never ask for a better husband and best friend. I don’t know how I got so lucky to have Derrick in my life, I don’t deserve to have him as my husband. As everyone moves into the reception area, it’s like walking into another fairytale. Derrick and I had our first dance as a married couple. I danced with my father and father in law, Derrick danced with his mother and my mother. Derrick is more excited than I am about our future and what the future holds between us. I’m not as confident as Derrick is about our future, but I can give it a try for the most part.

 

        As Derrick and I go on our honeymoon to Maui, Hawaii, I’m excited to go to paradise for the first time with my husband. When we got to Hawaii, it was the most beautiful place that I’ve ever seen. Derrick can tell that I’ve never been outside of my hometown, he’s excited to show me Hawaii and all the things that we can do while we are here. It’s like I’m in a dream and I’m never going to wake up. As Derrick and I get into our room, Derrick asks me about starting a family right away. I told Derrick that I’m not ready to start a family yet because I’m still coming to terms with the adoption of my son and daughter and he understood where I’m coming from. Derrick and I did everything that we could think of during our stay in Hawaii, as it got time to leave, I didn’t want to leave this tropical paradise.

 

        When Derrick and I got home, my friends and family want to know everything that went on in Hawaii. I told my friends and family everything that Derrick and I did, they were so happy for me. My family and friends never thought I would be sober for this long, find a great man and get married. My family and friends are saying to me how proud they are of me for staying sober and keep up the good work. I thought I would never get here with my sobriety, I’m really proud of myself for getting this far.

 

       After a few years of being sober, I never thought that I would be sober for this long, I’m just hoping that I won’t relapse again. With a clear mind, I feel like I can do anything if I put my mind to it. I turned my life to god and I’m praying every day that god will help me with my recovery every step of the way. I have a wonderful husband who really wants the best for me, my friends and family support me through every step of the way.

 

         Derrick approaches the subject about starting a family together. I feel like I’m in a good place right now, I believe that I’ve come to terms about giving up my son and daughter up for adoption. As Derrick and I are trying to have children of our own, I don’t even know if I even want more children. I’m so scared that I’m going to relapse and not be there for my children and Derrick can see it in my eyes. I feel like I’m not there for my son and daughter even though I did what’s right at the time. I still feel guilty about giving up my children up for adoption and Derrick doesn’t even know that I still feel this way. Derrick can see that something’s wrong, but he just can’t put his finger on it. Derrick asks me what’s wrong, but I don’t tell him at first. Derrick felt like he was pulling teeth just to get me to tell him my feeling. Derrick understood my concerns, but he believes that I’m going to be a great mother. I’m just hoping that Derrick’s right and I’m just hoping that I won’t relapse again.

 

       A few weeks later, Derrick and I find out that I’m pregnant. I’ve never been this nervous since my wedding day. I’ve never been this scared in my life and Derrick can see it in my eyes. Derrick encourages me that I’m going to be a great mom and that he’s confident that I won’t relapse again. I’m not as confident as Derrick is about the encouragement that he’s giving me, but at least I got him by my side for encouragement whenever I need it. As my pregnancy is getting further along, the more stressed out I’m getting, the more I’m craving to use drugs and alcohol again. Derrick is being supportive, I’m very grateful for him for doing everything he can to get me on the right track.

 

          When Derrick and I went to get my ultrasound to find out the gender of the baby. Derrick is pretty excited to find out the gender of our baby but I’m super nervous to find out the gender of the baby. Derrick and I find out that we’re having twins; a boy and a girl. I’m really shocked that I’m having another set of twins, Derrick is really excited to have a son and daughter on the way. Derrick can see that I’m not too pleased that I’m carrying another set of twins.

 

         I start thinking about my children that I gave up for adoption, I started feeling really that I gave them up. Derrick can tell that there’s something on my mind, he’s wondering what’s going on with me. I tell Derrick about my guilt about giving up my first set of twins for adoption, how I regretted giving them up, and how I wish that I could have raised them on my own. Derrick comfort’s me and telling me that everything is going to be okay, and I felt it was best for them to be raised in a better environment.

 

          As it gets closer to giving birth to my second son and daughter, I’m starting to get worried about my mental state. Because I feel like I haven’t been there for my other children, I’m so scared that I’m going to relapse. Derrick can see that I’m really scared about giving birth to our children and going to relapse again. Derrick comforts me, I just can’t shake this feeling of relapsing. I just hope that my second set of twins are the answer for me not to relapse. 

 

          I finally give birth to my second set of twins, they are the most precious kids that I’ve ever seen. Derrick and I decided to name our twins, Derrick Jr. and Ashlee. My heart filled with joy, but I wish that my other children can see their brother and sister. I spend a few days in the hospital with Derrick Jr. and Ashlee, the nurses teaching me how to do everything before my children and I get released from the hospital. Everything is just so overwhelming to me and I started having a nervous breakdown and started to cry. Derrick comes over to me, comforts me, tells me that I’m going to be fine, and he’ll be by my side every step of the way.

 

           As the days pass by, I have the urge to use drugs and alcohol again. Derrick doesn’t realize how bad this urge is for me. As the urges take over, Derrick becomes very concerned for my mental state of mind. I just can’t shake these urges off, I really need to use again. I just can’t take all of this stress anymore, I slipped up and start using drugs and alcohol again. I really hope that Derrick doesn’t notice that I’m using again, I’m scared that he’s going to leave me and take the kids with him.

 

           As my drug and alcohol use is getting worse, Derrick noticed that I’ve been acting different since our kids were born. Derrick keeps asking me if I’m using again, I keep lying to him about it. I know I must stop lying to Derrick about this, he’s going to find out sooner than later. Derrick found my drugs and alcohol while I’m passed out on the bed. When I wake up, I see Derrick with my drugs and alcohol, he asks me why I relapsed. I couldn’t tell Derrick how stressed I am over being a mother to our children and not being a mother to my other children, it’s painful for me to explain it to him. Derrick can tell that I’m in pain over something, he’s just not sure what it is. Derrick assures me that he’s never going to leave me and he’ll always be by my side no matter what I say or what I do, thinking that I’m afraid that he’s going to leave me.

 

          Derrick stands by his word by not leaving me, but I’m wondering for how long though. Derrick keeps on asking me why I relapsed until I break down and start telling him about my guilt over not raising my other children and the stress of being a mother to our children. To my surprise, Derrick really understood where I’m coming from. Derrick tells me that he’s stressed about raising our children too and if he was in the same situation as I am, he would do the same thing. I’m happy that Derrick really understands me, I don’t know what I would do without him in my life.

 

           Derrick thinks that I should go to rehab again to kick my addiction once and for all. I agreed with Derrick and he takes me to a ninety-day rehab facility. As I’m going through detox, all I could think about is to get clean and stay clean for myself, Derrick and my children. The pains with the withdraws hurt even more than the last time I was in rehab, but in the end,  it’s going to be worth it for me to get clean and to kick this addiction for good. Once the detox is over with, I start going to group meetings, at first, I didn’t want to tell everybody about my sob story, but eventually I had no choice but to talk about my problems. When I finished talking about my problems to everyone, to my surprise they were being empathetic for me.

 

           As the ninety-day rehab program is almost over with for me, I come to realize that I really need to stay in my sobriety for good if I want Derrick to stay with me and be a family with him and the kids. I didn’t realize until now that Derrick and my children are my world and that they need to be my number one if I want to keep my sobriety in check. It’s like there’s nothing I want more than to be there for my family, especially my children. It’s hard to imagine without Derrick and my children in my life.

 

         I never realized until now that I can either go to jail, lose everything including my family for good, or I’m going to die, and I don’t want to lose everything especially my family. It’s just so hard being sober when my body craves for drugs and alcohol all the time. I have a wonderful life now since Derrick and I have been together, but it’s like nothing seems to go my way anymore and it’s frustrating.

 

        Once I get out of the ninety-day rehab program, all I want to do is reunite with Derrick and my children. When I see Derrick and my children, I run up to them and give them a kiss and a hug. I promised Derrick that I will take my medication for my bipolar and depression, go to AA meetings, get a sponsor, and to keep my sobriety in check. As time passed, Derrick can see that I’m confident that I’m not going to relapse again.  Derrick tells me that he’s really happy to see that I’m finally going to take control on my sobriety.

 

       As my sobriety is looking better every day, I still have urges to get high and to get drunk sometimes; but I take my sobriety one step at a time. For the first time in a long time, I feel like drugs and alcohol is not going to stand in my way. Derrick has been a really great help during my sobriety, I couldn’t ask for a better influence in my life to keep me sober.  It’s like Derrick is the only person who understands what I’m going through, and I love him for understanding everything that went on in my life.

 

        As I watch my children grow up, drug and alcohol free, I’m started thinking about getting in contact with the adopted parents of my other children to see if my other children want me to get in contact with them. I tell Derrick that I want to get in contact with my first-born children’s adopted parents and see if my children want to start a relationship with me as their birth mother. Come to my surprise, Derrick is very supportive of the idea of getting in contact with my children after all these years.

 

        I email my son and daughter’s adopted parents, telling them everything that’s been happening to me for the past few years and now I’m stable, got married and had another set of twins. My children’s adopted parents emailed me back and they tell me that’s great news and they told my children everything about me. My children told them that they wanted to meet me when I email them telling me that I’m stable. My children will be excited to know that I’m stable and they would love to meet me as soon as possible. I told Derrick what my children’s adopted parents said in their email, and he’s really excited for me to finally meet my son and daughter.

 

      As the emails between my children’s adopted parents and myself seem to progress, the more likely it is for me to meet my first-born son and daughter soon. The adopted parents of my first-born children set a date for me to meet them. I would like my other children to meet their half siblings and Derrick to meet them too. I asked my children’s adopted parents if their Step-Father and their half siblings can meet them too. My children’s adopted parents agreed to have Derrick and my other children to meet them too.

 

        As the days get closer to meeting my first-born children, I get very excited but nervous at the same time. I’m debating about either going through with meeting my first-born son and daughter or back out on meeting them. I’m so scared that my children are not going to like me, and Derrick can see it in my eyes. Derrick encourages me to meet my son and daughter. I’m just hoping that my son and daughter can understand why I gave them up for adoption.

 

       Today is the day that I’m finally going to meet my first-born son and daughter. I tell my children’s adopted parents to meet my family and myself at a restaurant. I get so nervous about meeting my children that I start having second thoughts about meeting them. Derrick can see that I’m having second thoughts about meeting my son and daughter; he wants to know why I’m feeling this way. I tell Derrick it’s because I’m afraid that my son and daughter resent me for giving them up for adoption and they won’t understand that I wanted to give them a better life than what I couldn’t give them at the time. Derrick tells me that my son and daughter will completely understand why I gave them up for adoption and they won’t resent me for it. Derrick convinces me to go meet my son and daughter.

 

          As it gets closer to meeting my children, I start to panic and having a very strong urge to relapse again, and Derrick can see that I’m panicking. Derrick thought I’m going to have a panic attack. Derrick ask me if I’m okay and I tell him I’m fine. My nerves are just taking over, and Derrick doesn’t see it or realize it.  As nervous as I already am, I just can’t wait to reunite with my son and daughter since I gave birth to them.

 

         As the adopted parents of my children come into the restaurant with my son and daughter, I couldn’t believe my eyes. My son looks a lot like Adam and my daughter looks a lot like me. My eyes started to tear up and I went over to my son and daughter and gave them a hug. The adopted parents chosen the names of my first-born son and daughter for them are Robert and Christina. After I hugged my son and daughter, I introduced them to Derrick and their half siblings. We talked for hours; my children talked about their lives and I talked to them in details about my struggles with addiction and how I’m over coming them and stable now. My children are telling me that they are grateful that I gave them up for adoption so that they can have a better life and they are happy to see me doing really well with my sobriety.

 

           As all of us were saying bye to each other, my children tell me that they want to be a part of my life and a part of their half sibling’s life. It makes me feel good knowing that my son and daughter want to be a part of my life and my other children’s life. My world is now complete; I have a wonderful husband who’s supportive no matter what I say or do, I have my first-born children back into my life, and I’m raising my other children with Derrick. It’s like I’m finally getting to know the real me again for the first time in a long time.

 

           After everything I’ve been through, I never thought I would ever see my children again. All my children brought joy to my heart every time I see all four of them together in one room. As I get to see my first-born children more and more, I’m really proud of the man and woman that they’ve become. The adopted parents of my son and daughter have raised them to be good people, which makes me happy. My son and daughter tell me that they are really happy that they get this chance to reunite with me and to see that I’m doing a lot better and they are proud of me. My children telling me this makes my heart happy, I never would have thought that they would be proud of me for my sobriety.

 

           As the months pass by with seeing my first-born children, them interacting with Derrick and their half siblings, this made me feel like I’m closer to my son and daughter than ever before. Seeing all of my children together in one room makes me really enjoy my life even more, this makes it worth it for me to be clean and sober. As my first-born son and daughter gets more involved in each other’s lives; they tell me that I’m a good mom to their half siblings. I never realized until my first-born son and daughter told me that I’m a good mom and brought tears to my eyes.

 

           One day, I stop taking my medication for my bipolar and depression. I feel like I don’t need my medication to make me normal. It’s like the medication is not working for my mental health anymore. Derrick can see that my behavior and my mood swings are not right. Derrick asks me if I stopped taking my medication and I lied to him and I told him no. I feel guilty for lying to Derrick, but I feel like lying to him is the only thing I must do just to get him off my back.

 

           As my behavior and mood swings get worse, the more Derrick can see that I’m not taking my medication. Derrick can see how unstable I am without my medication, and he’s getting worried that I’ll relapse again. I’m afraid to tell Derrick that my medication is not working for me anymore, I don’t want him to get upset with me over this. After Derrick keeps asking me repeatedly if I’m taking my medication, I finally break down and tell him that I’m not taking my medication and it’s not working anymore. Come to my surprise, Derrick is not upset with me at all, he tells me that I should go to the doctor’s office to get another medication to help me be stable again.

 

        I finally go to the doctor’s office to get another medication that will work for my bipolar disorder and depression. The doctor gives me a prescription to a new medication and tells me if this doesn’t work for my depression and bipolar, I should come back in until I find the one that really works for me. I’m relieved to know that my doctor can help me find the right medication for my bipolar disorder and depression so that I can be stable for the rest of my life. I’m really happy that the doctor is willing to help me find the right medication for me so that I can be stable with my bipolar disorder and depression.

 

           As months pass with my doctor and I are trying to find the right medication for me to help with my bipolar and depression, I just wanted to give up. I’m so tired of the medication not working for me after a few weeks of taking it, and Derrick can see it in my eyes. Derrick tells me that I’m doing so well, and not to give up on finding the right medication to help me get better. It’s like everything that I worked for is going out the window, all I want to do is relapse and Derrick can tell that’s what I’m wanting to do is to start using again. Derrick tries to talk me out of relapsing, but nothing he will do to talk me out of it, I really want to relapse. 

 

          A few days later I relapsed, I feel like I’m alive again. I feel like this is the only way I can keep my bipolar and depression in check. All I want is escape out and I feel like that using drugs and alcohol is the only way out. Derrick doesn’t want to lose me, he tries to do everything to save me, but nothing he does is working to save me. I feel like everybody in my life including Derrick doesn’t understand how I feel. I feel like I need to use drugs and alcohol to keep me alive and keep me from facing reality that I don’t want to face any more than I must.

 

        As the drug and alcohol gets worse and worse every day that passes by, the more concerned Derricks gets about my mental state and my mental health. My drug and alcohol use are so bad that I’m either wanting to try to over dose on drugs or have alcohol poisoning just so that I can die, and everybody doesn’t have to worry about me anymore. Once Derrick realized what I’m doing, he’s trying everything in his power to try to save my life. I push Derrick away just to show him that I don’t need to be saved anymore. I don’t want Derrick and the kids to see me suffering any more than I already am. It’s like Derrick doesn’t want to see it and really wants to help me in any way he can to save me.

 

        As the months go by, I’ve became a hard-core drug user and alcoholic, I’m not living my life anymore, I’m only existing. Derrick realizes that his help is not getting through to me at all. Derrick threatens to divorce me if I don’t get help, just to see what my reaction is going to be. I believed that Derrick is going to be there for me no matter what; I’m shocked that he would threatened me with divorce, but nothing seems to faze me anymore and Derrick can see it in my eyes. It’s like I’m failing everybody around me and I don’t even care about my marriage, my children or my life.   

 

       Derrick talks to my friends and family to see if they can help get me get back to the woman that he fell in love with. Derrick tries to get my family and friends to do an intervention so that I can get help. My family and friends agree to help Derrick to try to save me from myself by getting me to go back to rehab. As my family and friends wait for me to arrive at the intervention with Derrick, I’m getting really suspicious with him. When Derrick and I arrive at the intervention, I ask him if he’s doing an intervention on me with my family and friends involvement. Derrick tells me to go inside and see for myself and when I walk inside, I see all my family and friends sitting there waiting for me and him.

 

         I’m mad at Derrick for doing this intervention; I’m especially mad at him that he got my friends and family involved, I don’t have a problem and I’m not willing to get help again. I tell everybody that I’m not going back to rehab and if they want to be out of my life for good then they can just leave and never see me again. Derrick, my family and friends are shocked that I’m willing to give up everything that I have for drugs and alcohol. My friends and family are really upset that they are forced to leave my life again due to my addiction to drugs and alcohol.

 

           Derrick takes my children and he files for divorce making good on his word on the threat to leave me. This made me want to use drugs and alcohol even more than ever; I’m spiraling out of control and I don’t give a damn anymore. I go back to what I do best again; prostituting myself for money so that I can get my drugs and alcohol. At this point in time, I don’t care about anything but to get money for drugs and alcohol. I failed my children, family, friends, and my soon to be ex-husband; all because I chose drugs and alcohol over them and I don’t have a problem with it.

 

         As time passes by; my addiction only gets worse, everybody who’s still in my life wants to save my me from a horrible way to die, but I feel like I have nothing to live for. Everybody doesn’t seem to understand that I lost everything that was going good for me, I feel like I can’t live like this anymore. I feel like nobody understands me; but everybody is telling me to let them in and to let them or at least try to understand what I’m feeling. I can’t bring myself to let everybody in, it’s painful for me to talk about everything that I’m feeling. I just can’t come to grips with shaking this addiction once and for all; it’s really hard to stop for me once I became addicted to the fast life of prostituting myself for money to get the drugs and alcohol.

 

           Before I knew it, I’m living in abandoned drug houses with drugs dealers, drug addicts and alcoholics. It’s scary living like this, but this is the only way I feel like I know how to get by. When everybody in my life found out how I’m living, they got very scared for me and wanted me to live in a place other than abandoned drug houses. It’s like nobody gets that I want to go through my addiction alone, I don’t need anybody’s help anymore and I know that I got to tell them, but I don’t know how to tell them how I feel. When my family and friends realized that I don’t want their help, they finally backed off and let me deal with this addiction alone.

 

           As my body is shutting down from all of the drugs and alcohol that I’m using, all I could think about is the guilt that I have for bring four kids into this world knowing that I would relapse. It’s like I’ve already giving up on life and I feel like my children shouldn’t have me as their mother in their life anymore. This is not the life that I planned on going back to, but after everything I’ve been through, it’s like I chose my addiction over everything that’s important to me.

 

          As the divorce with Derrick gets finalized and custody arrangement with my children gets underway, my heart just sinks. I know that I’m going to lose custody of my children because I’m an unfit mother and how unstable I am because of my addiction. It’s very scary to know that I might either get supervised visitation or lose my kids forever and never get to see them again. I’m hoping that the judge will say that I get supervised visitations with my children, which will be better than not seeing my children at all. My heart will be broken if Derrick tries to keep my children away from me.

 

         Derrick and I are finally divorced, the judge gave full custody to Derrick and supervised visitation for me to see my kids. I can see that Derrick is really upset that I get to see my kids, I feel like he wants to keep me away from my children. I feel like Derrick wants to do everything in his power to make me miserable, just by keeping my children away from me. Derrick fights in court for me not to see my children at all. I never would have thought that Derrick would hurt me like this, I thought he would want me to see our children but under supervised visitations. The judge ruled that I should get supervised visitations despite me being unstable. The judge tells Derrick that she believes that my children can’t be kept away from me even though I’m unstable and me being unstable is the reason why I need supervised visitations with my son and daughter. 

 

         As Derrick is trying to hurt me even more, I feel like he hates me for choosing drugs and alcohol over him and the kids. I don’t want to ever see Derrick again, I have no choice but to see him because I have two kids with him and I’m stuck raising my children with him for the rest of my life. As much as Derrick doesn’t want me to be a part of our children’s lives, he can see how much their happy to see me. Derrick still persist that I’m a bad mother, makes up lies about what my children say to him every time I see them supervised and will do anything not to have me see my children. I may be an unfit mother right now, but I don’t like it when Derrick tells everyone that I’m a bad mother.

         

        As months go by with me having supervised visitations with my children, the more my addiction is out of control. My heart feels so heavy without my children being around me every day that my addiction gets worse as time passes by. It’s like Derrick keeps stabbing me in the back repeatedly all because he feels like I should never see my children again. Derrick doesn’t understand how much I need to see and have our children in my life. I just wish that Derrick could just understand that by seeing our children is the only way for me to use drugs and alcohol less to keep me alive.

 

        After a couple of months of seeing my children Derrick finally snapped and started taking my children away from me without the court system saying that it’s okay for my children not to see me. It’s like my heart is broken into a thousand pieces because Derrick took it upon himself to take away my children. I’m just so hurt that Derrick would even consider doing this to me. My addiction to drugs and alcohol getting bad after what Derrick has done to me. I prostitute myself even more than I used to just, so I can get my drugs and alcohol to stay normal. I’m escaping the pain that I’m feeling about Derrick taking my children away from me for good and I just don’t want to feel anymore.

 

        As time passes without me seeing my children, I’m so unstable that I’m basically homeless, I’m either crashing at abounded drugs houses or living on the streets.  It’s like I’m trapped in this hell that I’m in and I just don’t want to deal with everything that I’m going through anymore. Now everything I do is to get money from prostituting myself to get my next high or to get my alcohol just to be a normal person. I know I need help, but I just don’t want to admit it to myself that I need some serious help.

 

        A few days later, I find myself waking up in the hospital, not knowing where I am. The doctor comes in the room a few minutes later telling me that I was found in a street corner passed out, I over dosed on drugs, and I also had alcohol poisoning. The doctor also tells me if I don’t stop using drugs and alcohol that I will die within a few months, weeks or days. When the doctor tells me this, I honestly don’t care if I live to see my children grow up. I just wish that the person who found me, would have just left me on the streets to die so that everybody in my life would not have to worry or even think about me anymore.

 

          I finally get discharged from the hospital after being in there for a few days, I’m happy that I go back to the lifestyle that I was living before I went in the hospital. As my life takes a turn for the worst, it’s like I’m living in a nightmare that I can’t wake up from at all. It’s like I’m dragging myself in a life that I wish I never had in the first place; I don’t have all four of my children in my life anymore, I’m never going to find love again or at least that’s what I thought anyways.

 

        I’m walking down the street to the liquor store to get some alcohol when I bump into a man named Erik. I’d never thought that Erik would change the way I think about finding love again and to try to finally kick my addiction to drugs and alcohol for good. Erik’s not the typical man that I’ve been with in my past; he’s completely different, which I’m really impressed to see. Erick is trying to win my heart over and trying to prove to me that he’s not a jerk or a loser like the men in my past relationships. It’s like Erik is the man that I’ve been waiting for my whole life.

 

          As Erik and I start hanging out more, the more I like him. I’ve never felt this way about anybody since my relationship with Derrick. It’s like something has changed in me and I want to get better. Erik asks me if I’m getting high or dunk on a regular basis. I don’t want to admit it to him but I break down and tell that I’m a hard core user and I need to get help. Erik tells me that he’s supportive on getting me into a rehab facility for ninety days and he will wait for me when I get out of rehab. I decided with the advice that Erik gave me to go back to rehab and start fresh again.

 

          As I check myself into rehab again, I’m really scared about going through the detox again. I know that the pains of the detox are going to be worse than the last time I went into rehab, but I know I can work through it. As I’m going through the detox faze; my body starts to hurt bad and I’m so sick that I’m throwing up a lot. I’ve never been in this much pain and this sick before in my whole life. It’s like my body is being tortured and I can’t do anything about it.

 

         After I’m done with detox, I start going to group meetings. I don’t want to talk to these people about my problems and feelings, but I don’t have a choice but to talk to them about my feelings and problems. As I was telling everybody in the group about everything that I’ve gone through in my life, everyone seemed sympathetic about all my problems. I really don’t want everybody in the group to be sympathetic about my problems, but I have no choice but for everybody to be sympathetic to my problems. It’s like everything just started crashing down at me all at once and all I want to do is to get high and drunk.

 

       After completing the ninety-day rehab treatment, I finally get out to be with Erik again. I’m excited to finally see Erik again, it’s been a long three months without seeing him. When I get back from the rehab facility, Erik greets me with open arms and I’m really happy that he waited for me just like he promised he would. It’s like we were never apart, its right where we left off before I went to rehab. As Erik and I get to know each other more, the more I start to like him. It’s like I’ve known Erik my whole life and all I want to do is spend time with him.

 

         As months go by with hanging out with Erik again, the more I like him. Life can’t get any better for me at this moment in time. Erik asks me out and I’m happy that he finally asked me out. I tell Erik that I would love to go out with him, he looks really happy about my response. I’m guarded with my feelings for Erik because of what happened between me and Derrick, but I know what I want and I know that I want Erik in my life. As I spend more time with Erik, it’s like I’ve known him my whole life. I never would have thought I would find happiness or love again until I met Erik.

 

        After a couple of years of dating Erik, I have a feeling that he’s going to ask me to marry him very soon. My heart is full of joy, I can’t imagine a life without Erik. I can see in Erik’s eyes that he truly loves me, which I’ve never had before in my life. It’s like the all of the hurt and the pain that I’ve suffered through all of these years have just disappeared. I really need to tell Erik about my past and I don’t know if he’ll stay with me or leave me over my past mistakes. Erik can see that there is something on my mind and that I want to get it off of my chest. Erik asks me what’s on my mind because it looks like there is something that I want to get off my chest.  I’m hesitant to tell Erik about my past because I’m scared that he’ll leave me, but I tell him everything that I want to tell him. Erik is really accepting about my past, I’m really surprised that he’s not going to leave me because of my past mistakes.

 

           A few weeks later, Erik and I have a date at my favorite restaurant, The Acapulco; and asks me to marry him, I never would have thought I would find true happiness again. I tell Erik I would love to marry him; Erik give me a hug and tells me that I made him the happiest man alive. My heart is just filled with so much joy that Erik and I going to have a future together. My happiness can’t get any better; until I recognize a voice that’s my worst nightmare show’s up out of nowhere.

 

          Derrick comes over to me and Erik’s table and started to harass us. I’m really surprised that Derrick is outraged that Erik and I are engaged to get married. If Derrick still had feelings for me, I never knew about it because I thought he got over me and moved on with his life. I never would have thought that Derrick would want me back after a couple of years of being divorced from him. I know that my kids need me, but Derrick won’t let me see them due to my addiction. I hope that Derrick realizes that I’m sober and I’m going to kick my addiction in the butt for good. I tell the waitress to get Derrick’s harassing us and I would like for him to leave me alone. The waitress got security and they took Derrick away from the table and kicked him out of the restaurant. Erik and I got the check and got out of the restaurant as fast as we could.

 

            When Erik and I left the restaurant; I tell him that I’m sorry about my ex-husband harassing us, I felt really awful about Derrick making a seen. Erik understood that there’s children involved between me and Derrick and I have to deal with him for the rest of my life. I’m relieved to know that Erik understands my situation, I just hope that he can deal with Derrick being in my life due to my kids. I’ve never been so lucky to have a man who can accept my past and wants to be with me for me.

 

           A few days later, I realized that Derrick’s stalking me. I start getting scared for my life and Erik can see it in my eyes. I’m so scared that all I do is stay inside, I’m starting not to sleep very well, and Erik gets really concerned about my mental state of mine. I’m so paranoid that Derrick is going to kill me; I’d never have thought that Derrick would be obsessed with me. It’s like Derrick wants me to mess up and relapse, like he wants me to fail my sobriety and have my engagement broken off. I tell Erik about my fears that I assume that Derrick is trying to do. Erik tells me that he will do everything to protect me and he promised that Derrick will never break us up.

 

         As the months go by; Derrick is still stalking me, the police tell me that here is nothing that they can do unless he seriously hurts me in anyway, and I don’t know what to do anymore. Erik can see how much stress Derrick is putting me under. I don’t want to relapse again, and Erik feels the same way as I do. Erik and I believe that Derrick wants me out of my children’s lives, wants me to over dose on drugs or get alcohol poising and die so that my children won’t have to grow up without a mother in their lives. It’s like my whole world is crashing down and Erik can see it in my eyes. Derrick doesn’t realize how hurt I am by this whole situation. Erik really wants Derrick to leave me alone, for him to move on with this life, and quit obsessing over me. 

 

           As Erik and I plan our wedding, Derrick is still not leaving me alone, and I’m just fed up with him stalking me. I’m losing weight due to not eating, I can’t sleep; it’s like Derrick is taking over my whole life and Erik is very concerned about me. As much as I want to relapse again, I tell myself not to do it and I can get through this without drugs and alcohol. I really feel like Derrick really wants me to go back to my old ways or he’s going to kill me. My mind will never be at ease unless Derrick is out of my life forever. I’m glad that Erik is there to help me whenever I need it.

 

            The more paranoid I get, the more I shut down, not talking to anybody in my life and Erik is getting really concerned about me.  Erik tries to get me to talk to him, but I can’t say anything to him. I just feel guilty that Erik has to be involved in this situation that I’m dealing with, I just want to deal with Derrick on my own without anybody’s help. I feel like I’m always looking over my shoulder because of the fear that Derrick has set in me for the past few months and I can’t put my guard down for one second or else he’s going to do something to me. 

 

         Everybody around me noticed that I’m withdrawing myself from them; they’re scared that they’re losing me. It’s like Derrick is winning this battle of wanting me out of the picture and I don’t know how to stop it. All Erik wants to do is help me get Derrick off my back, but I won’t let him help me anymore. I keep going to the police to ask them to help me and they always keep saying that there’s nothing that they can do about it. The more frustrated I get with the police, the more worried I get about my safety. I feel like the police is not taking me seriously and Erik can see it in my eyes.

 

         Once I thought it’s safe to put my guard down and stop looking over my shoulder, I finally step outside of my home to get some fresh air. Erik is happy that I’m finally getting out of the home that we share. As I’m walking around my neighborhood, Derrick confronts me with a loaded gun in his hand. It’s like I’m in a nightmare that I can’t wake up from, I’m really terrified. I scream out for help, Derrick drags me into his car and kidnapped me off of the street of where I live. Once I got into Derrick’s car, I’ve never been so terrified in my whole life. All I can think about is surviving this ordeal so that I can get back to Erik and be there for my children.

 

            As Derrick drives to our destination, he keeps asking me why I haven’t died yet from a drug over dose or alcohol poising. I tell Derrick that I met someone who can really help me with my sobriety, but he doesn’t believe me.  I’m so afraid that Derrick is going to kill me; but I can’t show him how afraid I am. I’m in a state of panic that my heart begins to race fast; but I don’t show how panicked I am to Derrick. I’d never would have thought that Derrick would kidnap me possibly torcher me, end my life or do both.

 

             As Derrick pulls up to the destination, I’m really scared to know what he’s going to do to me, and I’m screaming in the inside. When we got out of the car, I realized that Derrick and I are at the house that we once shared before we got divorced. Derrick takes me inside the house, takes me up to the master bedroom and tells me to take off my clothes. As Derrick proceeds to rape me, I wonder what else he is going to do to me besides to rape me. After Derrick is done raping me; he proceeds to beat me, I’ve never been so scared in my life. After Derrick’s done beating me, I look at myself in the mirror and I’ve never been so horrified in my life. I’m all bloodied up with bruises that are black and blue. Derrick is taking this way too far; I need to find a way to escape, I need to talk him out of possibly killing me.

 

             As I was trying to talk to Derrick out of doing something stupid enough to get him in prison for life, I can’t seem to talk him out of it. The more torcher he puts on me, the more scared I am, and the more I’m screaming on the inside. I start thinking about Erik and my kids, I need to be strong enough so that I can stay alive and see them again. It’s like Derrick doesn’t even care if our children grow up without their mother, it’s really terrifying to me knowing that he’s probably wanting to take our children’s mother away from them.

 

          As days pass, I wonder if Erik or anybody that’s still in my life called the police and filed a missing person’s report. I’m a prisoner in these four walls of the bedroom that Derrick and I once shared. I haven’t had food and water in days; Derrick beats me and rapes me daily. It’s like Derrick wants to watch me die a slow and painful death and it’s very disturbing to me. I need a way to get out of this situation, no matter how difficult Derrick is going to be towards me. I have a feeling that Derrick is trying to tell me that if he can’t have me, no one will.

 

            As I’m dying slowly in the house that Derrick and I used to share, it’s like I’m letting my ex-husband win this battle once and for all. All I can do is either escape my ordeal or I can just let myself die so that this torcher that Derrick is enduring on me can stop. I’m so weak that I don’t know if I can be strong enough to escape Derrick’s torcher anymore. As Derrick is beating me for the last and final time, my body is done with his torcher, my body gives out, and I’m lying on the bed lifeless. Derrick has accomplished what he wanted, me out of the picture for good.

 

         When the police finally came to Derrick’s house to find me, they found my lifeless body in the master bedroom, it was too late for anybody to save me. As the police officers interrogate Derrick at the police station, Derrick confesses to torching, raping and murdering me. The police arrested Derrick and charged him for torching, raping, and murdering me.

 

              A few weeks after my funeral, Derrick went to court, pled not guilty to my murder and went on trial. The trial took about a week before the jury decided what Derrick’s fate is going to be. The jury took a few days to deliberate, my loved ones are worried that there’s not going to be justice for me. When the jury finally made their decision and came back to the court room to tell the judge their decision, my friends and family were relived. The jury found Derrick guilty on all counts and is sentenced to death, my friends and family were happy that I got the justice that deserved to get.

 

           My children that I had with Derrick are going to be living with my adopted parents and they tell always tell my children how much I loved them, I’m in a better place now, and that I’m watching over them with a big smile on my face knowing that they are going to be safe, healthy and have a bright future ahead of them. As I’m watching over my children, I know that my children are going to be just fine and their going to be safe and protected by my family and friends to take good care of them and to guide them whenever they need it.

 

       After the trial was over, my family and friends realized that I’m in a much better place now, even though they’re in pain of losing me the way they did. Everybody is slowly coming terms to my death; my family finally realized, despite all my struggles with addiction that I was loved by everybody that knew me. Even though I’m not in my physical body anymore, I always thought that I was never loved and cared about from everyone who knew me until after my departure from the world.

 

        As I’m looking down at my children from heaven, my children are telling everybody that they know how they really feel about me. My older children are upset with Derrick for killing me, they feel like that they got me stolen from getting me and for me to get to know them. My younger children are really angry at their father for taking the time to stalk me and proceed to kill me at a time when they really needed me in their lives to help them grow as human beings. My children don’t understand why Derrick torched me by killing me slowly.

 

         I’m smiling from heaven because I know that my children are going to be okay and my family and friends will help them get through of losing me. I’m hoping that my children will understand one day why I protected in harm’s way when it comes to my ex-husband, Derrick. As for Erik, losing me was the toughest thing for him but I know he’s going to move on with his life and find someone new to marry one day.

 

       After everything that I’ve gone through in my lifetime, I’ve never should of became addicted to drugs and alcohol. I’ve had my fair share of problems in my lifetime; but I should have never suppressed my feelings and problems. I’ve may have made a lot of mistakes in my lifetime; but I’ve learned from my mistakes and take them into my next life, whatever my next form of life is going to be.